bad. bad. bad.

you might not want to read this.

sometimes i just freaking hate myself. i mean, i haven't done anything with my life. it's been 16 years and for what? i'm just here, spending my parents' money and failing at life and doing nothing. nothing. i can't do anything well. i can't play any sports well. i can't get people to listen to me, i can't even do something freaking simple. i can't even believe in myself to do things. i can't complete even my homework, everything's half done because i don't know how to do them. and i can't even do a bloody journal article dammit. i just end up ranting. it's like, i look at the questions there, and i go, what's a concept? what's a bloody issue, what will happen? i can't link things.

but mostly, i hate it that i'm lazy. i can't correct myself, even though i state about five thousand times that i hate myself for that. i'm so lazy that i can't even get myself to go for a -insert profanity here- run, to lose weight. and even if i do, i just eat it all back at the next meal. i can't even run a km without stopping, and i'm 83 kg so i'm going to die at NS. so for all of you people telling me i'm not fat, i suggest you don't. i know what i am, okay. if there's a huge chunk of fat at my stomach and my thighs, i'm fat. maybe i sleep too much. maybe it's because i can't even get myself to do things, i'd rather sit/lie somewhere, like now.

that's probably why things have got to this stage. look at what i have. i have so many things that i don't deserve. a good life. i can't even learn my guitar properly, for crying out loud. i'm just too lazy to practice. and when i do, i take like 2h to get through 4 lines and for what? i just forget it awaytt.

this is pointless.

sigh.

neefded to get all that out of my system. fingers are freaking tired.

oh yes, did i mention that i hate hackers? hackers, as in, people who can do everything well, know what to say at the right time, and they never do anything wrong? they're funny, they're good in studies, they don't have to care about anything, you know those people.

i want to escape. from these thoughts.